“We’re here to keep Americans safe in the air.”
Posted: Feb 03, 2014 7:00 AM EST
CLEVELAND, Oh. (JT) – The Transportation Safety Administration announced a new program to be implemented at airports nationwide beginning April 1st, 2014. The “Flights Universally Cleared of Terror” initiative will provide passengers with the safest airline travel experience in the history of aviation. TSA spokeswoman Ophelia Titees says the safety measures are in response to an article by ex-TSA agent Jason Edward Harrington called “Dear America, I Saw You Naked” posted on politico.com on January 30th, 2014.
“We’re here to keep Americans safe in the air,” says Titees. “If airline passengers can’t bend over and give up a little modesty in the name of safety then the terrorists have already won.”
Harrington’s revelation is another in a series of scandals and negative publicity incurred by the Transportation Safety Administration since it implemented more stringent safety procedures at the nation’s airports, including the full body scanner in November of 2010. Travelers could opt for a sensual pat down or a full body scan. The policy change came as a result of the bombing attempt by Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, also known as the “underwear bomber.” With the millimeter wave scanners, TSA agents could photograph, analyze and Instagram the genitals and breasts of passengers thereby confirming the absence of dirty bombs. The agency has since removed the millimeter wave scanners from most domestic airport terminals.
Titees admits that the TSA has had problems in the past but she’s convinced passengers will find the new program more pleasurable than scanners or pat downs. The government is utilizing a new technology for “Flights Universally Cleared of Terror,” shortened into the acronym, F.U.C.T. A high-grade, platinum sensor is rhythmically and repeatedly inserted into a passenger’s rectum and/or vagina. The micro-camera on the end makes a visual check of the passenger’s internal cavities pre-flight to verify there are no weapons rammed inside.
“I think when travelers see how well it works everyone is going to want to get F.U.C.T. by TSA agents. I was F.U.C.T. twice on my connection through Seattle and I’ve never been more relaxed in the air.”
But some frequent flyers are skeptical. Dick Hertz of Minneapolis flies to New York City four times a week for rehabilitative penis therapy. “Sure,” said Hertz. “I know some older, married women might enjoy getting F.U.C.T. at the airport. Won’t someone think of the children? I have a teenage son and I don’t think he needs to be F.U.C.T. until he’s in college and bi-curious.”
In a May 2013 issue of Time Magazine, Richard Barrett, coordinator of the United Nations al Qaeda/Taliban Monitoring Team said the statistical odds of dying in a terrorist attack is 1 in 20 million.
“If given the choice, they will choose safety over privacy,” said Titees. “Americans would rather be F.U.C.T. in the rectum by the government than take a 1 in 20 million chance of being killed by a terrorist.”